His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
