so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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