im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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