Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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