i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
