Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
