So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
