I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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