i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
