her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
