i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
