i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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