fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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