girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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