Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Floor bacon is actually really good
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize