the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
