So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
