The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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