is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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