i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
