whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
