My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
