My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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