i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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