I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
