The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Watching her eat just hurts me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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