I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
