He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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