My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
