Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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