we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
