i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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