I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i barfeds in our rink
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
