Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
