Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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