Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
