Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
