My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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