Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Boobs speak an international language.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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