Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
