Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
