Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
