Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
This girl is more easily done than said...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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