i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
