Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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