Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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