Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
