The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
