I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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