mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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