Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
