I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
