Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
