I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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