Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
