I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
