my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
