Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
