forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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