Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
