Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
